GarbageTalk: It’s August And I’m Conflicted – What to watch!

By John Kirkland

Twitter: @FBGarbageTalk

So, if you’ve been reading my column, you’ve known that pretty-boy Brady was going to start the NFL season for like 4 months now … at least!  Ok, so maybe Goodell wasn’t the one to let Brady off of the hook, I guess because he paid all of that money for the Wells Investigation.  But now you all know that the “Wells Report,” was a piece of dog-doo-doo that didn’t have a leg to stand on.  While it took tax payer dollars to figure that out, which is sad and a total waste (the NFL should reimburse America for this BS) America now knows that big-law in New York is nothin’ special.

But, at least now Brady can now kick back, celebrate and get ready for the season.

Tom Brady and other

Oh, wait.  Whoops.  That was awkward.

But enough about Brady and the Patriots.  I don’t feel bad that Kraft accepted Goodell’s punishment in the hopes of getting Brady off.  Haha.  Sucker!

Anyway, its August.  I’m so conflicted.  I’ve got a football draft coming up and a bunch of preseason games I’ve missed.  Why?  I love tennis and Mets baseball and college football.  So yeah … I’ve been watching the Mets WIN and now am watching the US Open and have totally missed out on everything preseason.  All the ACL injuries (subject of a column to come) and Tim Tebow making the Eagles… and then getting cut.  I know!  Cray cray!  Where to go?  Oh, I know – FBGarbageTime articles (here, here and here).

So, yeah, for yet another year in a row, I’m going to be drafting by the seat of my pants.  So let’s change topics.

Eric Bana

Specifically, I want to talk today about Eric Bana.  Eric.  People say that you look like me.  That you’re my doppelganger (well, not really … yeah, no one says that ever … in fact I just asked my kids and they laughed in my face … but let’s go with it anyway, ok?).  Dude, you are totally ruining my celebrity status by not doing movies.  I mean, where’s the love?  Sure, you have done some crap movies, like the Hulk … which came out in 2003 and just so we’re clear, it was terrible.  But I thought that your next movie Munich, in 2005 was pretty OK.  Why didn’t you get in on the Taken series … you could have been a great “Liam Neeson.”  LOL.  But no.  You didn’t, obvi.  And truthfully Eric, I don’t remember you in Star Trek.  Sorry!

The point is Eric, where have you been?  It’s like 6 years later and my celebrity status is fading fast!  Yeah, so I’m like a lot younger than you and don’t have nearly the amount of gray hair that you do (by the way, it makes you look distinguished), but time is running out!  For you, I mean.  From Twitter, I take it that you are friends with Ricky Gervais (is he funny in real-life ‘cause I find all the pictures of his belly kind’a gross) and that you like American muscle cars (me too)!  So why not get in on the Fast and the Furious franchise?  Or maybe  it’s time you revisit super hero status.

Eric Bana Hulk

Everyone these days wants to be a superhero!  And, Eric, there is still time to reinvent yourself.  Just look at Ryan Reynolds and Ben Affleck!  Ryan totally bombed doing the Green Lantern, but now promises to bring it as Deadpool!

Ben Affleck Super Hero

And Affleck suuuuucccckkkeeedddd as Daredevil but my hopes are up (though not that high) that he’ll be great as Batman (or at least passable).

Ryan Reynolds Super Hero

Oh, and I found this picture really funny …

Ben Affleck Batman

Anyway Eric, I’m here to tell you that you need to get back on the horse.  If you want me to screen scripts for you and want to pay me for it, no problemo!  I’ll pick only the primo stuff.

To tell you the truth, I could see you as the next 007.  No seriously.  That would be dynamite.  Love, love, love Daniel Craig, but my man is a little rough around the edges.  Something I think you could fix.  I mean how’s your British accent?  Do you need to work on it?

Shrimp on the Barbie

I could probably help.  Instead of telling Gervaise to “throw another shrimp on the barbie” practice with things like “Don’t beat around the bush Ricky, these floors are stone cold.  Tea.  Yeah, Tea.  What.  You don’t want to make me tea?  Damn you Ricky.  Damn you to hell you, you, you ninny!”

Yeeaaahhh.  Call me Eric if you want to save your career.  Or don’t.  Whatever.  I have enough to do reading up on injuries to players so I don’t draft any of them (until the later rounds perhaps for keeper status).

Until next time, cheers America!

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