GarbageTalk: Adventures in Dadbod

Every once in a while, I like to write an article for the female readers … assuming of course that I have some … okay, maybe one?  Please?!?!  To that end, in this article, I dispel the notion that dadbod is hot and somehow link it to the NFL.  I know what y’all are sayin’ … “sweet!”

Earlier this year, when Jameis Winston took his shirt off, people said wow, he’s fat … suggesting his fitness level was not where it should be for a rookie looking to start in the NFL.  Nevertheless he was drafted first by Tampa Bay.  (See that NFL link?  LOL.  And yes, that’s Ben Roethlisberger in the feature picture above.)

Winston 1

While I don’t think Winston looked fat per se, I do believe he looks like he has “dadbod.”  What on earth is dadbod?

It’s synonymous with pudgy if you ask me.  Or soft and round in the midsection with or without what people call, for lack of a better term, “man or b–ch tits.”  Perhaps another word could be rotund?  Anyway, there’s recently been a lot of hullabaloo about this look being somehow “hot” … my immediate reaction was, really?  Let’s explore.

Here’s Eli Manning (another NFL reference) sporting, what I would call an almost-classic dadbod look.  No definition in the shoulders, backfat protruding into the underarm area, a slight belly (he could probably use an extra 10 pounds to achieve the perfect classic dadbod look), not really too much fat in the breast area, a tan that stops at the ankles and kankles.  The only thing he’s missing is a second chin.  But don’t worry Eli, that’s not far behind … wait until you hit 38- 39.  Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.  More importantly, is this look hot or not?

Eli Manning

To answer the question definitively I may or may not have polled some happily married suburban housewives.  And to ensure an impartial study, sorry, Eli, but I blocked out your face so that the ladies were not “starstruck.”  We are in New Jersey after all.  Here are some of the responses I received from my rigorous scientific study:

Suburban housemom No. 1 (Tara): Um, he is allright.  I mean, no way is he hot though.  Sure, my husband may look like this, but you want hot, see Magic Mike … oh god, I can’t wait for Magic Mike XXL.  I’m totally taking your wife.  What’s that on Twitter I saw that Sandra Bullock ovulates every time she sees a poster for XXL?  Yeah, it’s going to be sooo soo good.  Oh wait, I have to show you what I’m talking about.  Hold on.  God I’m so clumsy with this iPhone.  Ok, here we go:

Magic Mike

John, this is HOT.  Spelled, H … O … T … yummy yummy yummy.

John:  Wait, so Tara, you’re telling me you think Joe Manganiello is hot?

Suburban Housemom No. 1 (Tara):  Oh my god, I didn’t just drool in front of you did I?  Ugh. Yeah.

John: Ok – so, bottom line, which do you prefer?  Dad-bod or Joe?

Suburban Housemom No. 1 (Tara): Duh.  Is that a trick question?

John: Oh, umm Tara, I think your eldest is weed wacking your flowers with a baseball bat.

Suburban Housemom No. 1 (Tara):  Who says that … my “eldest?” What are you from Connecticut or something?

John: Sorry Tara … just trying to keep it professional … you know … for the study.

Suburban Housemom No. 1 (Tara): Right.  Whatever.  Ugh.  Michael!  Stop it!

Well, America, I didn’t get to finish that conversation, but here’s another:

Suburban Housemom No. 2 (Lindsay): John, eww.  This is not hot.  I know that people have been going around saying that this is a new thing … that ladies luv dad-bod, that six-pack abs are out, but I mean, come on now.  That’s like those stupid studies that come out once every few years for women that say “30 is the new 20” … or “40 is the new 30” … most recently, I think I saw something that said that you don’t really find yourself as a female until you are in your fifties, which is when you are the sexiest you!

John: Wait, what?

Suburban Housemom No. 2 (Lindsay): Seriously … I saw that somewhere.  It’s completely ridiculous.  All these stupid self-help articles.  I don’t want the Chandler, I want the Joey with the Chandler sense of humor.  Sure, not everyone gets that, but it doesn’t mean we should be telling men that their flabby pudgy bodies are OK.  Get off your butt and work out.  Otherwise, I’m closing my eyes and thinking of, oh, I don’t know … who’s hot right now?  Captain America?  Yeah … Chris Evans.  He’s hot.

Chris Evans

John: Wow, Lindsay.  That’s awesome. Thanks for your insight!

Suburban Housemom No. 2 (Lindsay): No prob buddy.  Anytime!  Now where did I put my phone.

As you can see, America, we have 100% of suburban moms loving the hot bods, and not the dad bods.  But, what about the other side, which when stripped down to its core is basically “I’ve had kids and I don’t want him to look better than me on the beach?”  Or, “I married someone who drinks beer and pizza and now he drinks vodka on the rocks with a piece of fruit to save on calories, like, seriously?”

Interesting questions.  To that we turn to Housewife No. 3 (Caitlin):

John: Caitlin – Dadbod … hot or not?

Suburban Housewife No. 3 (Caitlin): Not. Hot.  But average … I wouldn’t blink an eye if I passed him on the beach.

John: Ok, now, mind if I ask you a question about your husband Jeffrey?

Suburban Housewife No. 3 (Caitlin): Go for it.

John: So, I know Jeff and I run together and that he’s busy getting into beach shape, but that in the winter, he kind of bulks up … kind of like a bear getting ready to hibernate.  So, the question is, do you want to sit on the beach next to winter-Jeff or summer-Jeff?

Suburban Housewife No. 3 (Caitlin): Did you just call my husband a bear?  Hilarious.  Anyway, since I comment on his weight all winter long, summer-Jeff.

John: What about the fact that he cuts out pizza to slim down?

Suburban Housewife No. 3 (Caitlin): Well, he’s got high cholesterol, so pizza isn’t good for him either.  I view that more as him making sure he’s gonna be there when the kids grow up.

John: What about the vodka with berries instead of a beer?  Doesn’t that bother you?  Isn’t that a little too metro?

Suburban Housewife No. 3 (Caitlin): Actually, before making his drink, he prepares me a delicious vodka cocktail so I too can stay in shape.  And, it’s not like he never drinks beer … just less of it.  Which is fine by me!  It’s not like he’s going out buying skinny jeans, rolling up the cuffs and donning a pair of chunky black glasses.

John: Right.  He saves that for the bedroom then?

Suburban Housewife No. 3 (Caitlin): Haha.  Funny.  Yeah, we pretend we’re in Brooklyn and drink PBR.  I think I just threw up in my mouth a bit.

John:  LOLOL.  Caitlin.  Thanks a lot!

So, America, the harsh reality is that dadbod is not sexy, it never was and never will be.  Women don’t like it.  Also, when you think about it, growing up, “boys” idolize their fathers and of course, super heroes!

Super Heroes

What super hero do you know doesn’t have a six-pack?  Superman?  Got one.  Batman?  Maybe the Michael Keaton version, but when he put on the suit, I think he had one.  Green Lantern?  No … even Ryan Reynolds, though I haven’t seen him post-Johansen-baby, had a six-pack when he played Green Lantern.  And I highly doubt Scarlett looks forward to seeing Eli Manning with Ryan Reynold’s face on the beach.  And, don’t you want your kids growing up idolizing someone who works, plays and stays in shape?  Think about it.

Wait, do you doubt that my rigorous analysis isn’t solid?  A’ight.  Fine.  Let’s look at science … the science of the Bachelor / Bachelorette.  The Bachelor has been through 19 seasons, and has featured an NFL player as the bachelor once … we all remember Jesse Palmer (count it – third NFL reference).  And since I couldn’t find a picture of him in a bathing suit, I give you another bachelor, Sean Lowe.

Sean Lowe

And sure, while he appears to have a funky belly button, this, in my opinion, should be what women should be callin’ “dadbod.”  I think there may have been a sum total of 2, maybe three bachelors without a defined mid-section.

To put the nail in the coffin, we are now in season 11 of the Bachelorette, which premiered last night.  And while the amature sex coach (which I think means he isn’t one yet) Shawn E., might not have six pack abs … spoiler alert, he got sent home … I’m fairly certain the rest of them do … even the dentist in the group.

Oh wait … one more … even the lovely bachelorette @SarahHerron, who vied for Lowe’s love in Bachelor 17 admitted on twitter that she is “personally not for the #Dadbod. Just sayin’.”  Check it out … I favorited her tweet.

Now, now … before you go crazy working out — you dads out there who are still reading — when you get those defined abs, don’t become the prima donna who slathers his new ‘bod in baby oil and/or bronzer, who shapes his eyebrows, waxes his ass, gets mani/pedis, dons a huge rosary around his neck and wears short-shorts on the beach.

Christiano Renaldo

While Christiano Ronaldo (a soccer player … football in any other part of the world) may be able to pull this look off you, most definitely, cannot.

Until next time, my bushy bros and ladies who want to keep your bushman alive a little longer … unless you want him to die early so you can cougar-it-up with those oily six-pack-ab-prima-donnas … keep on workin’ out!

Cheers America!

By John Kirkland

Twitter: @FBGarbageTalk

Full disclosure: I am in the process of trying to rid myself of dadbod … and for what it’s worth, it’s a long and slow process.  Best tip I can give?  Concentrate on those short bursts of activity that you repeat over and over again (like Tabata) instead of, well, distance running, for example.  That does not help.  Unless you are looking to age your knees significantly.  It does do that.

Full Full Disclosure: At some point I will run a half-marathon.  After I lose weight and my knees no longer hurt when I run long distances.

Disclaimer: GarbageTalkTM (this Column), is a news and football satire web publication. All articles contained within this Column are fiction, and contain presumably fake news. As such, any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental. All characters and events referenced, even those based on real people, are entirely fictional. Any and all overheard conversations referenced herein have occurred solely in this author’s warped brain and are meant entirely for entertainment purposes.