GarbageTalk: Free Agency – What the Trump?
Hello America! I’ve missed you! Hope you’ve missed me too (insert emoji-of-choice).
In my first article back after a long hiatus, I thought I’d talk about free agency and recognizing talent. And, what better way to do that than by channeling my inner-Donald Trump? Onwards and upwards America!
Ok, first, what the trump is going on in free agency this year? Teams have been turned upside down. Suddenly we see that defense is sexy again, what with the Broncos devastating Cam Newton’s offense in Super Bowl 50. That’s right, the best offense is a great defense. And that’s what I’m going to bring to you America. A super bowl. Like, I’m going to build walls and we’ll make a super-big bowl. Oh, right, Hawaii. They’re on their own. Alaska too … sorry, not sorry.
And so it begins. Jacksonville adds Malik Jackson, Tashaun Gipson and Prince Amukamara … though they still have BIG and I mean BIG problems on offense. I mean, these problems are so, so big, trust me, America. They may have built a wall on defense, but who’s going to make their offense great again? What the trump are they thinking?
Next the NY Giants. They finally got rid of that bozo Coughlin. But they still have that 3-finger guy on defense, JPP-js or something. I mean how crazy is that? How is he going to stop anyone? Oh, and don’t get me started on Manning. Who doesn’t root for their brother when he wins the Super Bowl. What a loser. Sure, maybe they boosted their defense by adding Olivier Vernon and Damon Harrison, but seriously, the Giants? They’re not going anywhere. Oh, and can we get some real cheerleaders already? What the trump are they thinking?
And don’t get me started on the Cleveland Browns, America. They can’t identify talent if it reached out and punched them in the face. How many “franchise” quarterbacks have they drafted only to see them go on to really, and I mean really, crap-the-bed? Colt McCoy, Brady Quinn, Brandon Weeden, Johnny Manziel? All losers. Mike Pettine and Ray Farmer, both losers. I could have told them that and saved them a boat load of money. That’s right. What, you didn’t think I knew anything about football? Come on now, America. I mean, at this point, they should just pull a Rams and move. Get out of Cleveland. Like Travis Benjamin. Get the hell out of there. It’s a loser city anyway. What the trump?
On to the Eagles, who finally got rid of that short loser of a coach Chip Kelly. I mean, how can you be a quality coach if you are shorter than most of your players? He couldn’t even see what was going down on his own field. I could have told the Eagles he was going to be a crappy coach. And giving him carte blanche to change his roster? I mean, you can’t teach that kind of stupid. The Eagles are disgusting. I mean, they smell bad. Yeah. No wonder Shady and now DeMarco got the effe out of there. I got to tell you, they are going to smell again this year. Real stinky. I’d stay away from those games if I were a fan. Did you know that we ship our crap from NYC to Philadelphia? That’s why New York is great. We don’t smell. What the trump?
Good luck San Francisco with your small, and ugly I might add, loser of a coach, Chip Kelly. Hey, I’m just saying what Shady said, but my voice is being projected over this microphone so y’all can hear it too. Sue me. Anyway, what are you going to do with your quarterback situation, Chip? I mean, who has a name like Chip anyway. What’s that short for? Chester? What a loser of a name. I would never name my kid Chip. It’s like you are predetermining that your kid is going to be a failure. Anyway, talk about a team that just folded after coach Harbaugh was fired. Only to see Tomsula fired after one season. I mean, I’m surprised he wasn’t fired earlier. Good luck, chipster. At least their cheerleaders are hot. What the trump?
And finally, America, let’s talk the NY Jets. Ok, so they’ve got some good things going for them. Last year, they finally got rid of that foot-loving-fool of a coach Rex. Another loser name. Who names their kid after a dinosaur? Anyway, this year, they finally improve their backfield, bringing on Matt Forte to complement their WR core, which includes Brandon Marshall, only to NOT sign a QB yet … I mean, I understand Fitzpatrick wants more money, but you need to lock him down. Who has who by the you-know-whats here anyway? I mean, I could make this team great again. Just pass the reins to me. I have a plan to make this team win a Super Bowl next year! And on the way there over Brady and his loser New England Patriots in the AFC Championship. That’s right. Sales will be through the roof. Everyone in New York will be like “New York Giants who?” I’ll fix everything, America. Trust me. I’ll bring the best of the best together to bring it home for the Jets! What the trump?
Oh America … the beautiful. Well, hold on now, let’s be clear. Not everyone is beautiful. There are some really, very unattractive people out there. Turn off ‘dem lights already!
Until next time America!