GarbageTalk: DeflateGate Redux
I know I told you that DeflateGate was in our rear view mirrors. I lied.
What with Brady’s appeal and the Patriots point by point rebuttal of the Wells Report, how could I pass up the opportunity to relish the fact that my initial DeflateGate article was spot on … in fact, I think the Patriots’ legal counsel copied parts of it. No, seriously.
But what do they say about copying? It’s the highest form of compliment? I’m only slightly offended that they didn’t at least include a reference to my article. Damn you Kraft.
Now that Brady’s filed his appeal and Goodell has decided that he will hear it, what can we expect? Brady arguing that Goodell “can’t handle the truth?” Probably not. But I can tell you what I think will happen … Goodell is going to let Brady off the hook.
But why? Is it because the Wells Report was an uncompelling sham piece of garbage and waste of NFL money? Partly. Is it because there is no evidence that there was a plot to deflate balls because deflation of balls after a quarterback has picked out the balls he wants to use for the game makes no sense at all? Could be.
What of the fact that post-2007 rule change, fumbling became a thing of the past? Could that be due to systematic overfilling of footballs pre-2007 rule change? We’ll never know.
All we do know is that Goodell and Kraft have a tight relationship. So could this b.s. parade dragging Tom Brady and the Patriots through the mud have been a plot to satisfy the other NFL team owners? Yup. If you ask me, this is what went down:
Goodell: Robbie, I have to do something about Brady’s deflated balls. I’m getting pressure from Cuban and the others.
Kraft: Roge, Roge, Roge. My man. You know Cuban’s all talk. He’s such a blowhard.
Goodell: Nonetheless Robbie, I’ve got to act. Otherwise, everyone will know I’m just a nominal leader without any real power. Cuban’s already threatened to talk about my deflated balls.
Kraft: A’ight you pansy. I’ll tell you what we’re gonna do. One of my guys, his name is Ted. Teddy Wells. Me and him, we go way back. He’s gonna call you tomorrow. You tell him that you need him to investigate Brady and DeflateGate and to write a report up on this stuff. Of course, I’m gonna pretend you’re the bad guy and say some pretty mean things.
Goodell: Then what Robbie? I don’t want to piss you off.
Kraft: Relax Roge. Once you receive Teddy’s report, I’m gonna need you to lodge some punishment. Enough so we can take umbrage over it. Then, when Brady appeals his 2-game, no make it 4-game suspension, I want you to oversee it.
Goodell: Me? Why me?
Kraft: Come on Roge, keep up man. If you hear the appeal, you can overturn it and no one’s gonna say boo. If you send it to an independent mediator, they might just let it stand and that would really piss me off. This way, I get to act pissed, you get to keep your job, and my boys don’t suffer. Got it?
Goodell: Hahahaha. That’s genius Robbie. Why didn’t I think of that.
Kraft: Hehehehehehe. Hahahahahaha. Whoohaahaaahaahaa.
Kraft: Shut up Roge. You’re making a scene.
Goodell: Right. Sorry Robbie.
Does anyone doubt that this is actually what’s going on behind the scenes? Or do you believe the headlines that Goodell really has Kraft peeved. I guess we’ll all know which version of the truth to believe after Goodell makes his decision on Brady!
Disclaimer: GarbageTalkTM (this Column), is a news and football satire web publication. All articles contained within this Column are fiction, and contain presumably fake news. As such, any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental. All characters and events referenced, even those based on real people, are entirely fictional. Any and all overheard conversations referenced herein have occurred solely in this author’s warped brain and are meant entirely for entertainment purposes.