GarbageTalk: Colin Kaepernick’s Ink – Tattoos Or Works Of Art?
Colin Kaepernick has been busy this off-season training at the EXOS facility in Phoenix Arizona with Kurt Warner, in an effort to elevate his game to the next level and do his part to help the 49ers recover from a forgettable season that saw them miss the playoffs, just a year after losing to the Seahawks in the NFC Championship game. While some have criticized his choice of Warner, I think it was a very wise decision because Kaep needs to learn how to stand in the pocket and read a defense, not how to run.
On Kurt, if you haven’t read about it, you’ll likely watch a movie about it one day … real rags-to-riches story. To tell it very briefly, he went undrafted in 1994 after playing college ball at the University of Northern Iowa. While he was picked up pre-season by the Packers, he was dropped before the start of the season and was forced to stock supermarket shelves in Cedar Rapids before joining the Arena Football League, which he played in until 1998. In ‘98 he was picked up by the St. Louis Rams and was their third string QB. In 1999, Warner played second fiddle to Trent Green until Green tore his ACL. Warner then led the Rams to the SuperBowl, scoring a W over the Tennessee Titans. The following year, Warner and the Rams lost the SuperBowl to the Patriots. His next SuperBowl was as an Arizona Cardinal in 2008, which was lost too, but not before an improbable journey through the playoffs that year.
Kurt is also a devout Christian. You’ll often hear him refer to the Lord and to Jesus, in conjunction with his good fortune. Incidentally, Colin Kaepernick also has a deep rooted faith in God. Don’t take my word for it, look at his body ink.
But not everyone likes the fact that Kaepernick has substantial body art. For example, David Whitley of the Sporting News in 2013 went so far as to say the QB is your CEO and you don’t want your CEO to look like he just got paroled ….
Why’d he say that? Because a substantial portion of America continues to associate tattoos with deviance. Why? Perhaps because the art of tattooing one’s body, in the “modern” day era (the 1960’s and 70’s), is associated with bikers and with criminals. This notion continues, as Whitley showed us, to this day. I also know first-hand because this was drilled into my head as a youngster.
Kaepernick and others, however, are working to change this very parochial way of thinking by showing the world how these tattoos have meaning to them. Kaepernick has made it a habit to get a new tattoo every off-season. His most recent, the “money is the root of all evil,” tattoo is pictured above.
While Kaepernick’s efforts to show the NFL a new, different and unique player, the anti-Manning so-to-speak, are commendable, the fact of the matter is that he plays in the NFL, where thugs abound … see Aaron Hernandez, Adrian Peterson, Plaxico Burress, Michael Vick, Ray Rice, Ray Lewis. Oh, the list is LONG. So Kaep’s not changing anybody’s views on the art of tattooing. Nor is he, in my view, standing out by getting tattoos, ‘cause tons of people have tattoos. But, as long as he believes that he is raging against the machine, I look forward to seeing him kiss his bicep when he scores a touchdown. Hopefully this season he’ll have many more after learning from Kurt how to read a defense and stand in the pocket. After all, we have learned from Mike Vick and Robert Griffin III that it’s not enough to have an arm and to be able to run. Kaep has to be more like … dare I say it, Russell Wilson.
That’s right. Despite the fact that the two have done commercials together for Madden 25 (see below), it’s Russell that’s been to two SuperBowls of which he’s won one. Wilson, the patient QB, who has the ability to throw, and to run, is the QB that Kaepernick has to become. Perhaps he should have been studying harder instead of tatt’ing himself up. OOoohhh – just kidding. That’s something a parent of mine might have said back in the day …
No, but seriously, I’ve met a ton of people with tattoos in my less than half a century of existence. And I’ve learned a lot about how much body art can mean to someone. I have no problem with this and respect these people immensely. Some of the most interesting people I’ve met have bodies of tapestry.
What I DO have a problem with is those one-off tattoos that people do when they are teenagers just to rebel. Yeah, that really irritates me. Why? First, eight out of ten times, it’s tiny. So your parents don’t find it. That makes it look really, really stupid. Second, it fades over time. Third, you gain weight as you age, which stretches the faded tattoo. Fourth, I see tons of them at weddings on the ankle and cringe at all of them … yuck. Fifth, I know people in their forties now getting their tattoos removed. The fact that the removal process hurts more than getting the tattoo makes me chuckle. I can’t lie.
So anyway, now that we know that the root of all evil tattoos are those small stupid tattoos, like the dolphins, the flowers, the stars, the Chinese symbols that don’t mean what you think they mean, and the tramp-stamps to list a few, where do these come from? I don’t know, but as a parent, I tried to explain to my 6-year-old to stay away from the one-off tattoo. If you don’t believe me, here’s the transcript, America:
FBGT: Elle, where did you get all of those fake tattoos.
Elle: I went to Kelsie’s party and they were in the goodie bag. Aren’t they cool?
FBGT: (these tattoos are Hello Kitty tattoos.) No, Elle, no. They are not cool. They look like cats with big heads.
Elle: Well, everyone else has them. So they are cool. And, you, JOHN, are not.
FBGT: Hmmm. First, I’m dad, not John. Don’t call me that. Call me Dad. Or Daddy. And, my only point is that you have beautiful skin and you are beautiful and you just don’t need these fake tattoos.
Elle: John, John, John, John. Jonathan.
FBGT: Ok. Let’s just focus on the tattoos for a minute. Isn’t it great that these are temporary? When you get tired of them you can just take them off.
Elle: I never want to take them off. Don’t try to either, I’ll tell mommy.
FBGT: Of course you will. Look, my only point is that I don’t want you to think that when you are a teenager you can just get one of these small things, think it’s cool at the time, that you are rebelling, but then regret it ten, twenty years later and have to go through the pain of getting this small thing removed. That’s all. Does that make sense to you? I’m saving you from experiencing pain later. So I’m trying to nicely tell you now, years before you are going to think about doing this with your teenager friends, not to. But subtly, in a cool-dad kind of way.
Elle: John, John John. Look at the tattoo under my neck. It goes from shoulder to shoulder.
FBGT: Holy crap. Who did that?
Elle: Kelsie’s mom did it for me.
FBGT: Stop calling me John (inaudible “Damn it”!). Well, Kelsie’s mom did it did she? [Note to self: no more hanging out with Kelsie, lol].
Elle: Johnny, John, John, John.
FBGT: If you call me John again, you’re in time out. It’s disrespectful and I won’t put up with it.
Elle: Ok, fine. I won’t. So tell me about your day Jonathan?
FBGT: Time out!
Elle: NOOOOO. I said Jonathan. MOMMY! Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh.
Well America. I think it’s abundantly clear that I’m not going to enjoy the teenager years … what with hormones added into the mix and everything. Did I completely fail as a father? I don’t think so. If my kid does end up with a tat or two or more, I’ll support her nonetheless. Hopefully she won’t feel like she has to hide it from me. I view my job as a parent as making sure she is a good person, that she has opportunities, that she respects others, and that she knows she is beautiful. And you can be that, tats or not.
Similarly, Kaepernick’s adopted parents were against tattoos. That is, until they heard people speaking ill about his tats. True parents right there y’all …
So Cheers to Teresa and Rick Kaepernick. Not only did you adopt Colin at a young age, which is commendable in and of itself, you spent your lives supporting him, cheering him on, allowing him to become the dynamic young quarterback he is with the vision to understand what he is missing …. cue Kurt Warner.
Disclaimer: GarbageTalkTM (this Column), is a news and football satire web publication. All articles contained within this Column are fiction, and contain presumably fake news. As such, any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental. All characters and events referenced, even those based on real people, are entirely fictional. Any and all overheard conversations referenced herein have occurred solely in this author’s warped brain and are meant entirely for entertainment purposes.