GarbageTalk: With SXSW Wrapped Up And Most People Focusing on College Basketball, Let’s Talk Texas, Football And Cheerleaders, ‘Cause Why Not

First, y’all, I apologize for the long layoff … sometimes work and life just get in the way.  One day I’ll write a book.  Anyway, last week concluded this year’s SXSW event.  Give it up to Spoon, the 2015 Grulke Prize winner for Career Act!  One day I’ll make it to Houston for this event, even if my buddy, who has to go every year for work (boo hoo hoo), says it’s a drag.  Personally, I hear only great things about Houston.

And, I wouldn’t mind going to a Houston Texan’s football game next year either!  No doubt Brian Hoyer should be able to get something going with a much stronger cast around him, including Arian Foster at running back, Cecil Shorts III and DeAndre Hopkins out there playing the wide receiver positions. Oh right, and there’s the occasional throw to JJ Watt.  That reminds me, the Houston defense will be sick with the addition of Vince Wilfork.  Enough to overthrow Indy?  Maybe!  So yeah, my team is the NY Giants, but I look forward to checking out this Houston team, which, unlike my Giants team, has a beautiful cheerleading squad.  In fact, the team is getting ready for tryouts, taking place on March 28th.

Texans Tryouts

With tryouts fast approaching and because the Giants don’t have a cheerleading squad, I decided to sit down with a prospective Texan cheerleader, Hannah, to gain further insight into why this squad is the most exciting (according to their website) cheerleading team in the NFL.  Here’s y’all go:

FBGT: Hi Hannah, thanks for taking time to sit down with me to talk to me!

Hannah: Hi John, great to meet you too.  I’m so excited to be here in Houston and trying out for the squad.

FBGT: So tell me, is this your first time trying out?

Hannah: It is!  I’ve been working hard to make sure I’m ready.

FBGT: It must be difficult, being your first time trying out, right?  I mean, you are kind’a new to all the routines and everything you have to be able to do once you get on the squad.  I would think that other girls who have tried out for a couple of years in a row might have a leg up on you, no?

Hannah: It’s true, I might be at a disadvantage, but ya’ gotta try, right?  I’ve put in the work and I believe in myself and my abilities.  I have some friends who are on the team now helping me out.  Someday if I’m fortunate enough to make it I’d love to be selected for the calendar.  That would be a dream come true.

FBGT:  It doesn’t hurt that you are also beautiful.  You mind if I ask you a few interview questions to help you prepare for the tryouts?

Hannah:  Absolutely!

FBGT:  Awesome.  And, just so you know, I’m going to skip the introductory questions and go right to the tough ones, ok with you?

Hannah: Go for it!

FBGT: Ok.  First question: Which Houston Texan cheerleader recently said that she would not be scared to get in a ring with MMA fighter, Ronda Rousey?

Hannah: Oh, that’s easy!  Antonieta Osuna!!!  She is amazing!

FBGT: Nice.  That she is.  And you are correct.  Next question: Who is Miss March 2015?

Hannah: That would be the beautiful Madison!

FBGT: Where did the calendar shoot take place this year?

Hannah: OMG.  That would be the beautiful and sunny Puerto Rico!  Come on, I thought you said these questions were going to be tough!

FBGT: All right, I was just warming up there.  Let me skip a few of these.  Oh, here’s a good one: Why are the Texan cheerleaders Texas’ best cheerleaders in Texas as compared to the Dallas Cowboy cheerleading squad?

Hannah: Oh boy.  Well, I think the world of the Dallas Cowboys squad.  They are great …

FBGT: but …

Hannah: But, I mean, the Texan squad is made up mostly of Texas natives, like me, I’m from Cypress.  And those ladies who aren’t from Texas are really the best of the best from where they come from.  So, if you want to know who are the best of the best in Texas, you need look no further than the Houston Texan squad!

FBGT: Wow.  Beauty and brains!  How about this one:  who will make it further in 2015, the Texans or the Cowboys and why?

Hannah: Well obviously the Texans!  I mean, look at our defense with JJ Watt and now Vince Wilkfork?  And I must say that I think Brian Hoyer is going to do great in this system.  Contrast that with what Dallas has done this off season, what with losing DeMarco Murray?  I mean how do you let that happen, especially when Jason Garrett says that he plans to retain the Cowboy’s run-first style of play?  I mean, come on man!

FBGT: Wow!  Are you dating anyone right now?

Hannah: Hey!  That’s not an interview question!

FBGT: Right.  Sorry!  I was asking for a friend.  LOL.  You pass the test with flying colors.  Thanks for sitting down with us, we all here at Football Garbage Time really wish you the best at try outs and hope to see you on the field in 2015!

Hannah: Thanks!  This was great!

Well, America, with Hannah’s enthusiastic answers to my tough interview questions, I think we all can agree that the Houston Texan cheerleading squad is the most exciting cheerleading team in the NFL.  Good luck to all the hopefuls at tryouts!

Oh, and if I hear anything from the Cowboys, I’ll be sure to let y’all know!  Lord knows that my Giants are not going to get a squad anytime soon!


By John Kirkland

Twitter: @FBGarbageTalk

Disclaimer: GarbageTalkTM (this Column), is a news and football satire web publication. All articles contained within this Column are fiction, and contain presumably fake news. As such, any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental. All characters and events referenced, even those based on real people, are entirely fictional. Any and all overheard conversations referenced herein have occurred solely in this author’s warped brain and are meant entirely for entertainment purposes.

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