GarbageTalk: My Interview With The Real McCoy, Jerry Jones
Well folks, after posting of my interview with Hannah, a Houston Texan Cheerleader or “HTC” hopeful, I got a call from none other than Jerry Jones, owner of the Dallas Cowboys. And boy, he was angry! After berating me for 10 minutes straight while trying to get me to reveal to him Hannah’s last name (he probably wants to recruit her for his Cowboy squad) I offered him the opportunity to sit down with me to discuss the Dallas Cowboy cheerleader squad so that America could have the benefit of his thoughts on who was the best cheerleading squad in the great state of Texas. To my surprise, he agreed! And, wouldn’t you know it I couldn’t help but ask some questions outside the scope of the agreed upon interview … my bad. Here you go:
JJ: Hi John, thanks for flying out here at the drop of a hat.
FBGT: No, thank you! Trust me, this is an opportunity of a lifetime. Wouldn’t miss it for the world Jerry … err, can I call you that, or do you prefer Mr. Jones, or Dr! Dr. Jones. Doctor Jones, Doctor Jones! Yes! Can you put this hat on?
JJ: Not funny John. Don’t call me Doctor Jones. Call me Jerry please.
FBGT: Sorry, I’m just excited to be here. You have your master’s degree in business, right?
JJ: I do. And I see you’ve done your homework. Good. Now before you start, I want to say I’ve read your column entries discussing me, and Robert Kraft, who by the way, does not go by the name Bobby. That’s how I know all those overheard discussions in your column are just fiction. And I just got to say, they are not funny. And if Robbie finds out about them, he is not going to like it either. So I’m here to ask you to stop. Just stop.
FBGT: Wow, Jerry. I’m so touched that you read my column. That’s amazing! And I promise, from now on I’ll refer to Kraft just as Robbie, not Bobby. Good to know.
JJ: Dang it son. Did you listen to anything I just said?
FBGT: I did. And thank you again for reading the column! Now, let’s get down to business. The business of cheerleading that is. Tell America, Jerry, tell America why the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders are the best.
JJ: Well, John, let me start with Kelli Finglass and Judy Trammell. The hard work that those two …
FBGT: Oh yeah, are you talking about those two women who choose the team, who appear on the TV show “The Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team”? Man, I gotta tell you, I like Kelli on that show, she’s the gal with the brown hair. But Judy, man, Judy is especially tough on those girls. I just can’t get behind it.
JJ: John. You gotta let me finish. But yes, those two pick the team. Now, as I was saying the hard work that those two put into putting together the squad that represents America’s team, the Dallas Cowboys is made up of the best and the …
FBGT: Sorry Jerr. I just have to add, I was so upset last season when on the final day of training camp Kelli and Judy talked about taking a squad of less than 36 and as few as 32. I mean, those girls all worked so hard to get to the end and they were tired, both mentally and physically. I mean, give a girl a break, no?
JJ: John, you are here to interview me, right? So shut up and listen.
FBGT: Whoa there Jerr. Calm down now. No need to get upset. But you are right. I am here to talk about the DCC’s, can I call them that? Kind of like the HTCs? Boom!
JJ: No. It’s the Dallas Cowboy’s Cheerleaders. That’s it.
FBGT: Right, right. Ok. So, here we go. Jerry – obviously the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders is a staple of the Dallas Cowboys. They are all beautiful and very talented and the Dallas fans love them. But is there anyone on the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleading squad who is willing to get in the ring with MMA fighter Ronda Rousey?
FBGT: I thought you said you read my articles. Don’t you know about Antonieta on the HTC squad?
JJ: Son, my patience is growing real thin with you.
FBGT: Ok, sorry. Let’s start over. Here. I brought a bottle of whiskey. I thought that we could have a couple of drinks and then anything you say you can blame on the “whiskey talking,” kind of like 1994, when you said you weren’t going to replace Johnson with Barry Switzer, it was the whiskey talking … but then you did.
JJ: Oh gawd. Come on now. Well, all right, I could use a stiff drink.
FBGT: Excellent. [pours some Pappy Van Winkle.] Now, Jerr, you sticking with Romo, he’s your guy?
JJ: Come one John. We’re here to talk Cheerleading, not my team. And yes, Romo is the man. He and Dez and now Greg Hardy to bolster our D, we are going to be formidable.
FBGT: I’m not touching the Hardy situation …
JJ: Good decision. Next question.
FBGT: Ok. I know you’ve been a guest star on HBO’s hit series Entourage. But I don’t see you as making a guest appearance on the movie! What’s up with that?
JJ: Ask Mark Wahlberg. What a punk.
FBGT: That’s what happens when a dude from Boston makes a movie about kids from New York. He fills the movie with Patriots. Ugh. Ok. Well what about Chris Christie … seriously, what was up with that? I mean, the governor of New Jersey in the owner’s box? It just makes no sense to me unless he was courting you for money for his presidential run in 2016.
JJ: Ugh. John, your questions suck. Do you want to talk about Dallas cheerleading or are we ending this interview now?
FBGT: Oh boy. Jerry, there is just so much I have here. Ok, ok. I’ll skip the questions about whether you like Pepsi better than Coke in view of the fact that you did all those Pepsi commercials over the years … and, I’ll skip the questions about South Park’s depicition of you in “Go Fund Yourself.” Hmmm, ok, here we go. Jerry, America wants to know whether you are going to up the per game pittance that each cheerleader gets for performing at a game. I mean given the fact that the cheerleaders do so much for the Cowboys; they bring in over $1 million a year, you don’t pay them benefits, the tryouts are like army camp, the money these women have to shell out to get ready for tryouts and the games is astronomical … don’t you value them a little more than what you pay them Jerry?
JJ: What the hell? Why don’t you ask me the questions you asked Hannah yesterday. What is this?
FBGT: Jerry … she was trying out for the Houston Texan cheerleading squad. You run a football team. On what planet do you think you’d get the same questions? So, are you going to pay the squad more than $150 per game or what?
JJ: I’m not answering that. That’s it we’re done here … You know, those girls love what they do. They make lots of contacts and they leave here and they do great for themselves. It doesn’t come down to per game what they make … they are investing in their future by being a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader.
FBGT: All right Jerr. No need to get upset. Just making an observation and hoping that you might value the cheer squad a little higher. I mean, at least pay them for photo shoots! Or give them some income derived from the calendar sales … something more! Anyway, apologies. I know it’s probably a sensitive subject. But, well, this has been great. Thanks for sitting down with me. I feel like we could go on for hours, but you probably have better things to do.
JJ: Yeah, like run a football team.
FBGT: And replace DeMarco. Don’t forget that.
JJ: You’re an a—hole.
FBGT: I’ll take that as a compliment. Thanks Jerr. I’ll show myself out. Keep the Pappy!
There you go America. I probably won’t be invited back to Dallas for a while, but that’s the price I am willing to pay to bring you the skinny. YOLO. And a big thanks to Jerry Jones, who, with a hat could look, I think, like Indiana Jones’ father.
Stay tuned America for more garbage talk as I sniff it out.
Disclaimer: GarbageTalkTM (this Column), is a news and football satire web publication. All articles contained within this Column are fiction, and contain presumably fake news. As such, any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental. All characters and events referenced, even those based on real people, are entirely fictional. Any and all overheard conversations referenced herein have occurred solely in this author’s warped brain and are meant entirely for entertainment purposes.