GarbageTalk: Mark Wahlberg and Robert Kraft Dish On Entourage, The Movie

Mark Wahlberg has done a lot since his underwear days. Honestly I didn’t expect a whole lot from the Calvin Klein model. It always seemed to me that the height of his career would be the Funky Bunch and that Donny was headed up, up and away.  Ha!  Was I wrong or what!  And, well, many of you might think that the Funky Bunch was in fact the height of Mark’s career if you were looking at Ted or Pain and Gain, just to name two.  Can you believe they are filming a Ted 2?  After the first half an hour of Ted, I was over it.  In fact, I couldn’t finish watching the movie.  On the other hand, I will admit that Mark has done some decent stuff.  Boogie Nights, for instance, was pretty good, though thanks almost entirely to Heather Graham.

Lucky for Mark, or, Marky Mark, as his wife Rhea Durham, affectionately calls him in bed (seriously, it helps him, well, you know …) is also the producer of Entourage, the hit HBO TV show that filmed eight seasons worth of material, and will include a movie, set to hit the big screen in 2015.  Like the show, the movie will likely be a hit despite the fact that no one remembers what happened in season eight because it was so bad.  The success will likely be due to the bevy of beauties cast, including our favorite, Emmanuelle Chriqui, who plays Eric’s ex-girlfriend (I don’t remember if they got back together in Season Eight), Sloan.  That female cast includes Nina Agdal, MMA hottie Ronda Rousey and Emily Ratajkowski.  Don’t know who Emily is?  If you’ve seen Gone Girl, she played Ben Afleck’s mistress.  Emily also appears in this year’s Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Edition.  That said, despite the beautiful cast, will the movie be more like seasons 1-3 of Entourage or more like season eight? My sense is more like Season 8.

Why? Because Marky Mark is from Boston and loves the Patriots so deeply that he has also cast into his movie not one, but four, that’s right four New England Patriots players.  What the hell is that about?  No wonder Marky Mark has a standing invite to Robert Kraft’s box … and doesn’t need to high-five Kraft at all, ever, never ever.  What a punk.

CBS Sports Photo

CBS Sports Photo

Delving a little further into the dilemma, everyone knows that Entourage is about kids from, not Boston, not Northern Connecticut, or Maine or Vermont, but Queens, New York!  And let me tell you this right now.  No self-respecting Queens Bridge dude is gonna admit he is a Patriots fan.  So why the hell does Entourage feature Tom Brady, Julian Edelman, Steven Ridley and Rob Gronkowski playing themselves?  I mean seriously Wahlberg!  Why are you Wahlberg’ing Entourage?  (for those of you that do not know what Wahlberging is, look no further than Donnie Wahlberg’s new show with his wife Jenny McCarthy, Donnie loves Jenny.  The show is pretty bad, but getting Wahlberg’d or Wahlberg’ing someone is basically the same as hot -boxing someone.  So, yeah, by making this movie about kids from Queens include Patriots players I’m putting it out there that Mark Wahlberg is hotboxing Entourage.

In fact, Mark knows this too.  How do I know that?  Well, I also overheard Marky Mark – crazy pats fan that he may be, actually lamenting the casting of all of these Patriots players with none other than Robert Kraft at the Super Bowl after party. Here is their exchange:

MM: Bobby. Hey Bobby. Great win tonight. That was weecked ahhesome!

RK: How do you like ‘dem apples Marky Mark. Haw haw haw.

MM: Hey Bobby.  No one calls me Mahky Mahk.  Only my wifey.  Don’t make me mess you’h haih up, you old faht.

RK: Oh Jesus, Mark.  Relax.  This is party is pretty wheek’ed isn’t it?  I mean, you should get some ideas for a sequel to Entourage the movie here.  God knows there’s enough material in front of us!

MM: First of aw’l Bobby, I don’t sound like that.  Who the hew’l says wheek’ed.  It’s weeked. Damn it.  You got no idear how to ro’hk a Bah’ston accent.  And, not foh nothin’ Bobby, but youhr playah’s they can’t act for nothin’.  God.  It’s like tryin’ to get what’a from a stone.  Brady’s like “uh, huh, huh.  huh. huh.  Can I say boobies?”  And Grhonk.  What does he do?  He says “Gronk smash.  Huh. huh.”  I mean, what the hew’l am I supposed to do with dat, Bobby?  You think I’m some sorta mhirical wohker hereh?  Cause I’m not.

RK: Mark.  My boy.  Look.  This movie is going to be big.  And you know what?  It’s going to be big for the Patriots too.  Having these guys in this movie will propel my guys to not just NFL rock-star status, but TMZ rock star status.  The Patriots are going to be the biggest and best franchise in the NFL.  Much bigger than Jerry’s Cowboys.  Much bigger.  This is just the start of our dynasty!  You got to believe in something bigger than this movie man.  You wait until you see model after model lining up to get into Gillette Stadium just to see America’s team, the Patriots!  Wow, that sounds amazing!  And, Mark, my boy.  You’ll have front row seats, right next to me!  You better high five me, though.

MM: You takin’ on Jehhry?  Damn Bobby.  Good for you.  I hate the Coh’boys.  Just to close the loop, though, these guys really hu’ht my movie, if you know what I mean, but damn.  I want to see America’s team be the Patriots.  So game on!

RK: Oh relax, Mark.  What’s your biggest fear, that you’re move is going to flop?  No way, no how.  Not given this cast of beauties.

MM: Actually, people ahsk me that aw’l of the time.  And actually, no Bobby.  I don’t have a fea’h of failur’h.  My biggest fea’h is not being prepah’d.  How you like d’em apples.

RK: Mark, I love your apples.  Now let’s go celebrate! Last one to the hot tub is a rotten apple!

Well, America.  There you have it.  I’m sure that I butchered Mark’s Boston accent, but hey, I’m not an actor who plays a Boston accent and I’m not from Boston.  Just trying to bring you the skinny here on GarbageTalk as faithfully as possible.


By John Kirkland

Disclaimer: GarbageTalkTM (this Column), is a news and football satire web publication. All articles contained within this Column are fiction, and contain presumably fake news. As such, any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental. All characters and events referenced, even those based on real people, are entirely fictional. Any and all overheard conversations referenced herein have occurred solely in this author’s warped brain and are meant entirely for entertainment purposes.

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