GarbageTalk: The Seahawk’s Respond To The Patriot’s Secret Baby Oil Plan
Yesterday, the world learned that the Patriots do in fact have a secret underhanded plan to win the Superbowl. That plan, of coating their running back in baby oil, was exposed first by yours truly.
Now, as a much liked member of the NFL press core, I am fortunate to have contacts at every level of every organization. And that is why I am able to bring you, today, exclusively, from a source that will remain anonymous, Seattle’s secret response to what I’ve tentatively decided to dub as SlipperyBackGate. Here you go America:
Pete: What the hell is this stupid site Football Garbage Time. Why are you bringing this to my attention. God damn it man. Don’t you know I have a superbowl to plan for and win?
Russell: Coach Pete, you need to read this. It discusses Belichick’s secret plan to win the superbowl.
Pete: Really? Well, what does it say?
Russell: They are going to oil up their running back so we can’t tackle him.
Pete: What? That’s genius. It’s so simple, yet so effective. Like deflating the footballs.
Russell: I know. I don’t think God is going to help us with this one. How are we going to tackle LeGarrette when he is all slippery and stuff? That guy is a beast and tough to tackle as is. We going to grease up Marshawn?
Marshawn: Heck no Russell. There is no way you, or anyone in this organization is putting baby oil on me. I’ll run right through them. Don’t need any oil, thank you very much.
Pete: Jesus Mary and Joseph. Ok, well, I’ll tell you guys what we are going to do. They say that oil and water don’t mix and E equals MC squared, right? Right. So, what we are going to do is this: we send Brady’s family Patriot’s jerseys with a message that we say is from LeGarrette and tell them to wear them on game day for good luck.
Marshawn: Come again Coach?
Pete: Listen up guys. These are special jerseys. Think thermochromism. They change colors and graphics when exposed to body heat. Just like baby bottles that turn color when their contents are too hot. So get this. We know that Giselle and family are going to be at the game, right? And of course, they are going to wear the “Patriots” jerseys that LeGarrette bought for them for good luck. That we secretly sent. And these are not just any jerseys. These are heat-sensitive jerseys.
Russell: Heat sensitive jerseys?
Pete: Yeah, Russell, heat sensitive. What that means is that when they are in the stands, in the heat, those “Patriots” jerseys turn into Seahawks jerseys.
Marshawn: Coach, that is brilliant. I do not believe anyone has thought of thermochromism for jerseys before. What a stroke of genius.
Russell: Coach Pete, OK I get it. I understand all that, but we still are not talking about how we stop LeGarrette from running through us? Isn’t that still a problem?
Pete: Nope. We won’t have to worry about that because no one is going to give LeGarrette the ball! Once Tom looks up to see his family all wearing Seahawks jerseys, he will be so pissed at LeGarrette for sending over those jerseys, he will not hand the ball off to him at all. He will instead air out the fully inflated footballs which Richard will intercept!
Russell: That’s great, but I sense one problem. I thought Richard was injured during the game against Aaron and the Packers?
Pete: Hahahaha. Nope. I told Richard at halftime to feign injury whenever the cameras were on him during the second half of the last game so that the Patriots would think that he wasn’t 100%.
Marshawn: Damn coach. That’s pure evil genius at work there.
Pete: Yep. That’s something I learned at USC right before I had to get out of Dodge because of all of the illegal marketing stuff I had going.
Russell: What? All that stuff is true?
Pete: Russell – I like winning. Marshawn here, he likes winning too. So I got one question for you: you like winning?
Russell: Yeah, Coach Pete. I like winning too.
Pete: Good then, shut up and get me those jerseys made.
Russell: Will do Coach Pete.
Pete: Oh and Marshawn, remember the mantra we worked on for media day.
Marshawn: Got it coach.
And there you have it folks. With both the Patriots’ and the Seahawks’ evil plans in motion which team will win the Superbowl? Seems a toss-up from where I’m standing, but stay tuned for reactions from other professionals throughout the league as I too learn of them.
By John Kirkland
Disclaimer: GarbageTalkTM (this Column), is a news and football satire web publication. All articles contained within this Column are fiction, and contain presumably fake news. As such, any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental. All characters and events referenced, even those based on real people, are entirely fictional. Any and all overheard conversations referenced herein have occurred solely in this author’s warped brain and are meant entirely for entertainment purposes.