GarbageTalk: The Patriot’s Strategy To Beat The Seahawks Is Baby Oil
Deflategate in this football fan’s eyes was pure comedy. Basically we heard Belichick and Brady bob and weave through reporter questions giving political-sounding answers akin to those given by Bill Clinton when answering questions about Monica Lewinsky … “I’ve never had sexual relations with that woman.” Um, OK Bill. Define “sexual relations” for me.
Anyway, with Deflategate winding down, the focus this week turns to a blizzard in the North East that I will likely be digging out of over the next couple days and more importantly, on the Superbowl match-up between the Seahawks and the Patriots.
Will this be a repeat of last year’s whooping that the Seahawks put on the Broncos?
Maybe, though the Patriots do have a secret plan. What is it? Well, lucky for us, I managed to overhear Brady and Belichick discussing strategy before the Brady press conference where he talked a lot about his deflated balls. And far be it from me to be accused of helping the Patriots win by keeping this to myself, I give you their exchange:
Tom: Coach, what are we going to do? The whole world knows about our deflated balls-trick. How are we going to compete?
Coach: Tom, don’t worry about it. I have a plan.
Tom: You do? Tell me, what’s the plan?
Coach: Two words, Tom. Baby. Oil.
Tom: Hahaha. That’s brilliant. We are going to baby oil all of the footballs?
Coach: No, you idiot. How would you throw and how would Gronk catch, a ball that had baby oil on it?
Tom: No, I mean all of Seattle’s balls. They will only have slippery sweet oiled up balls to try and throw and catch and carry. God, I love balls. Seattle’s balls. My balls. All balls. Balls, balls, balls. Ball-a-la-la-laaa, la la ti ball.
Coach: God damn it Tom. No. Nobody is touching anyone’s balls.
Tom: Wait, what? Then what are we doing with baby oil? I’m so confused.
Coach: Well Tom, it is actually quite simple. We are going to apply baby oil to LeGarrette Blount’s body so that Seattle can’t tackle him.
Tom: Holy crap Coach. That is genius!
Coach: I know. Hahahaha. [evil laugh].
Tom: But wait, how are we going to get away with it?
Coach: Don’t worry Tom. Neither you nor I nor LeGarrette will actually be oiling him up. So after the Superbowl, if questioned, you can say “No, I did not, nor have I ever, applied, slathered, or massaged baby oil on that man.”
Tom: [trying to copy Bill’s evil laugh.] Whooohahahahaha. This is going to be great!
Coach: Tom. Shut up. Now go tell the press you didn’t touch anyone’s balls.
Tom: No problem Coach!
Well, well, well.
Now that Pete Carrol has heard the Patriot’s secret strategy, stay tuned to hear his response, exclusively on NFL Garbage Time!
By John Kirkland
Disclaimer: GarbageTalkTM (this Column), is a news and football satire web publication. All articles contained within this Column are fiction, and contain presumably fake news. As such, any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental. All characters and events referenced, even those based on real people, are entirely fictional. Any and all overheard conversations referenced herein have occurred solely in this author’s warped brain and are meant entirely for entertainment purposes.