Magic 8-Balls Rock: Staff Super Bowl XLIX Predictions
Remember the Magic 8-Ball? Of course you do.
Well, maybe not exactly like Bobby Pierson has sketched for us at the top of this article, but you all certainly remember that crazy gigantic plastic 8-ball, which is clearly at least 3-4 times larger than an actual 8-ball, that you shook up and then gave you a message answering your question with “Yes”, “No”, “Maybe” or “A Noncommittal Sentence that Sounds Like Something Your Lawyer Would Say”. Not sure why we all thought that an 8-ball, of all things, could tell the future. Why not the toaster? Or perhaps the battleship player token in the Monopoly board game. Which, by the way, is my favorite Monopoly token. I mean, come one, your other choices were between a Scottish terrier, a car, a top hat, a thimble, a shoe, a wheelbarrow and an iron. A battleship would totally take out all of those things in a heatbeat. And how the heck did a freakin iron and a thimble become one of the options? I mean really, when the inventors were all sitting in a room brainstorming ideas for player tokens, did someone really say “Hey guys, hold up a sec. Kids LOVE irons and thimbles!” Heck, for 10 years when I was growing up I thought the thimble was a garbage can. Thankfully, the iron was retired in 2013 and replaced with a cat. I suppose that was done as a response to the outcries for cat equal rights. You’ve come a long way, baby. But I digress.
One thing the Magic 8-ball can’t do is tell you who’s going to win Super Bowl XLIX. Well, neither can we. But we sure love to guess! Just like elephants and celebrities! So without further nonsense, our predictions!
Ha Kung Wong
Tom Brady hates interior pressure as he doesn’t have the agility to roll out to avoid it. He’d much rather face edge pressure from DEs and step up in the pocket. Seattle knows this and will push pressure to the interior moving Michael Bennett around to confuse the Patriots offensive line. Brady will be hurried/hit/sacked more than once before realizing that the best way to beat interior pressure is to utilize Shane Vereen around the edges on quick screen passes or hitting Edelman and Amendola in quick screens or crossing patterns. I also think the Patriots will run sweeps towards the right side and at Sherman, as although he might be fine covering WRs, he’s going to have a hard time tackling in space with torn ligaments in his elbow. This will give the Patriots offensive line time to adjust and Brady will be left sack free for at least two quarters (they allowed only 26 sacks during the regular season, good for 4th best in the NFL). And when the Seahawks defense eases up a little, LaGarette Blount will pound the middle, neutralizing linebackers and blitzers, leaving Gronkowski open down the seam for at least one touchdown.
Russell Wilson, on the other hand, hates edge pressure, as he much prefers interior pressure where he can roll out and extend plays with his feet. Plus, we all forget that Wilson is just 5 foot 10 inches and, thus, he can have a hard time seeing the entire field if he’s contained in the pocket with edge pressure. To take away the read option, the Patriots will not only bring edge pressure, but creep up linebackers to challenge Marshawn Lynch in the hole, leaving Wilson no option but to go down field and hope that Doug Baldwin and Jermaine Kearse can beat Brandon Browner and Derrelle Revis. Not a good bet to make. After some incompletions, near INTs and a bunch of Lynch runs averaging less than 3 yards a carry, Seattle will adjust and enforce its zone read offense. The Seattle offensive line isn’t good (they allowed 42 sacks during the regular season, good for 12th worst in the NFL), but they’ll hold long enough for Wilson to sell the zone read and allow for Luke Wilson to get a few short passes, loosening up the Patriots defense and allowing for many more yards from Lynch.
Ultimately, Wilson’s careful handling of the ball (only 7 interceptions during the regular season) keeps Seattle in the game and Seattle’s secondary is too much for New England as they manage to hold Brady to minimal production in the fourth quarter, leading to a second Super Bowl for Seattle.
Seattle Seahawks – 27, New England Patriots 24
Patriots D holds up for a while but eventually Lynch and Wilson take over. The Patriots comeback is stifled by a couple late interceptions by Sherman, who wins MVP. In a dramatic twist, the Super Bowl ads turn out to be pretty awesome.
Seattle Seahawks – 31, New England Patriots – 21
With a mix of cutting edge biotechnology to mend his wounded secondary and a dark alliance with Gozer the Destructor, Pete Carroll assumes the form of Bill Belichick’s thoughts and reigns destruction on the Pats–Stay Puff style. Having trouble visualizing it? Well I can help you with that! BONUS: Bill Murray makes a cameo in a Super Bowl ad. [If the latter is true, you heard it first here on FootballGarbageTime.com!]
Seattle Seahawks – 26, New England Patriots – 21
Seattle is known for their “amazing” come-from-behind wins, but (I really hate to say this) Tom Brady will be hoisting the XLIX Lombardi trophy over his head and be named MVP. Now, I really feel dirty. Fire might be the only element to cleanse the shame.
Why the Patriots? They have more to prove.
Of course, a lot of things will have to go in their favor. Their have to be careful with penalties, make field goals and have a trick play or two up their sleeve (which Belichick will have without question). But when its all said and done, and the confetti is falling, Tom Brady will have won his fourth Super Bowl.
The Patriots will be ready for Seattle’s defense and offense this Sunday. Bill Belichick has already stated on media day that they would not be avoiding Sherman, along with the other members of the Legion of Boom. Belichick stated that he is only focused on the game, but it’s hard to ignore what everyone is saying about “deflategate” and thus their legitimacy making the Super Bowl. This is going to be the Patriots “tackling fuel”, as said by the great Henry Winkler as coach Klein when motivated Bobby Boucher (Adam Sandler) to a winning season for the South Central Louisiana State University Mud Dogs. (What? That’s not a real school or team…?)
The Prediction: Both defenses will work hard for the first half of the game, which will keep the score fairly low. In the second half, after Katy Perry, the half-time adjustments and a Pepsi, the offense will be fired-up singing “This is How We Do” from Katy Perry’s awesome half-time show, and the defense will be hard pressed to keep up. And totally distracted by Brady’s off-key chorus and the dancing cartoon fruit that refused to leave the field.
Seahawks Predicted Stats: Marshawn Lynch will get his hundred years and two TDs. Paul Richardson will get a receiving TD. Russell Wilson will pass for under 250 yards, rush for under 50 yards and be intercepted twice.
Patriots Predicted Stats: While the Seahawks will rely on their ground game, the Patriots will rely on a harmonious blend, making quick adjustments throughout the game. For the ground game, the Patriots will rely on alternating LeGarrette Blount and Shane Vereen when necessary. One or both of them will have a TD. Since Brady doesn’t prefer one receiver to the other, he’ll spread it around this Sunday. But rest assure, Gronkowski will get at least one TD. Brady will have over 300 passing yards, at least 10 rushing yards and will be sacked twice.
Or none of these things happen at all and the Patriots just win.
Seattle Seahawks – 27, New England Patriots – 30
I predict the Patriots will lose in spectacular fashion due to a last second 50+ failed field goal attempt by the Patriots that bounces off the bottom field goal post, propelling the ball back into the end zone. This loss will remind the Pats of the last time they were in Arizona for a Super Bowl and lost to the NY Giants because of a one-handed helmet catch.
Seattle Seahawks – 28, New England Patriots – 27
Enjoy the game everyone!
The Football Garbage Time Staff