GarbageTalk: The 2015 Super Bowl Advertisements Will Be A Disaster; Though It Will Not Be Attributable To Kimye
Folks – nothing new to report today on either team’s secret plan to win the Super Bowl, but I would like to discuss this year’s Super Bowl ads, which will collectively be terrible. Not because any one of them is inherently bad, except of course the Budweiser dog commercial which totally misses its target population (more on that tomorrow), but because no one will have taken the time to figure out how to order the ads. Let me explain.
Having previewed a bunch of the ads, it seems at least a couple of companies are making socially responsible ads. Examples include the Coca-Cola ad featuring Danica Patrick that hits on cyberbullying and the NFL “No More” domestic violence ad. That’s great and these messages are important, however, there are also dogs selling beer ads (who writes these ads for you Budweiser; not every dog is Spuds MacKenzie), scantily clad women selling underwear ads (nice, Vicky Secret) and your standard partying people selling beer ads (thanks but no thanks, Bud Light).
The problem is that no one actually thinks about how these ads should appear relative to each other. My uninformed sense is that ad space is sold and appears in a sequence that is mostly based on how much money is charged and paid for each spot. This is why all of the ads, collectively, will suck for all football viewers. For example, we might see a Vicky Secret ad, followed by a domestic violence ad followed by people partying and drinking beer ad. So basically we get the only important and socially responsible message sandwiched between two ads that at their base, promote sex, partying and drinking. Same result for the Coke and Danica ad. While all of these ads belong, for all of the money spent, I would hope that someone would be responsible for the timing of when the ads appear, sandwiching together like ad with like ad. Then we would have a series of commercials promoting socially responsible subjects, followed by football followed by some goofy, light hearted ads, followed by football. But no; that would require someone to use a brain.
On a related note, I was at KimYe’s house when Kimmy K. got the offer to do the T-Mobile commercial. Here is what went down:
Kim: OMG my Baby daddy, I got a call to do a Super Bowl ad about myself for T-Mobile.
Kanye: Baby momma. Baby got back. You married me so people love you.
Kim: Oh Baby daddy. Every word out of your mouth is pure poetry. I’m so lucky.
Kanye: You know me. I’m a bubbling source of creativity – it’s like I’m bubbling in a laboratory , and if you don’t put a cap on it, at one point it will, like, break the glass. I’m a lyrical superhero. In fact, I just came up with lyrics for your ad. Just came to my beautiful, highly sophisticated, lyrical-tastic, mesmerizingly handsome, nuclear and solar-light powered mind.
Kim: Really, my baby daddy? Please, please, please, give me a preview?
Kanye: Yeah baby momma. This is going to be magic. Here we go:
Blackberry on my nightstand, right next to Kim’s iPhone
But I swear with its keyboard, I’ll tap it out on my backbone
Dash butt gettin’ real phat, no weight watchers only lipo
Data talks, Verizon walks, and A T and Too late
I don’t make that data tap out
Don’t knock that data out cold
And T-mobile plans beat the crap out
But that’s just how the Co. roll
These phones hold my Bee’s pics
That I give to the ‘razzi
She glams up that i6 and stay on
All day-z like sun ray-z
Just do it, T-mobile
Get out here, be noble
And let I‘zon and ‘T know you out-tee
Like P8-5D
Get cashed up and stashed up
No ifs ands or Kim’s butt
Kim K. dash stash to back it up
Like twerk’in and its work’in
With my phones up and my data on
KimYeNorth down for whatever
Verizon thinks its not hot
AT&T likes to fol-low
But I’m Yeezy, young Yeezy, I wear Dolce
Not Gucci, see Kim K ‘Dash-ian blowin’ kisses in España
Besos. That’s Data Stash
Chorus:
Drop that plan, now call us up
Data stash to roll it forward
Data stash to roll it forward
Kim: My baby daddy, I love it!
Kanye: Baby momma. Yeah. That’s some medicine for your soul right there.
Kim: Um, there is only one maybe potential problem. The lyrics are phenomenal, but the rhythm, it sounds a lot like Lil Wayne’s song … Rich as F***.
Kanye: What? You listen to him? Everyone get out.
Alas, that’s all I got America. From my review of the commercial, it does not look like T-Mobile picked up the song … ah well. In any event, I’m sure Kanye is OK with letting Kim have the spot light for a few seconds …
Until mañana.
By John Kirkland
Disclaimer: GarbageTalkTM (this Column), is a news and football satire web publication. All articles contained within this Column are fiction, and contain presumably fake news. As such, any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental. All characters and events referenced, even those based on real people, are entirely fictional. Any and all overheard conversations referenced herein have occurred solely in this author’s warped brain and are meant entirely for entertainment purposes.