GarbageTalk: Roger Goodell’s Unofficial Discussion With Robert Kraft On The Patriots’ and Seahawks’ Respective Secret Plans To Win
On Monday, Robert Kraft held a press conference during which he chastised Roger Goodell and others for jumping to conclusions, and demanding an apology from Goodell himself if and when the NFL investigation into Deflategate exonerates the Patriots. A day later, Goodell and Kraft met face to face during Media day. Off the record, here is their exchange:
Goodell: Bobby, good to see you buddy. That was a great AFC Championship party you threw.
Kraft: Rodge, my man. How’s it shakin’? I know right? I’m still recovering from that one. You excited for my post-Super bowl soiree? I promise it will be a doozy.
Goodell: Awesome. I’ll remember to bring my speedo this time! But hey, I need to talk to you about something. Tell me why are you busting my balls about this investigation?
Kraft: Wait, who’s busting whose balls? L.O.L. Bobby. That means “laughing out loud,” by the way. Don’t think anything of it. It is just so we don’t appear to be so chummy in front of the media. Damn Sherman’s last comment. What an a-hole.
Goodell: Ok good. That’s what I thought, but wanted to check. Hey, let me ask you something else. I read on FootballGarbageTime.com that you are planning on using baby oil on LeGarrette Blount so that Seattle can’t tackle him in order to win the Super bowl this year? What am I supposed to do with that news, huh?
Kraft: Rodge, Rodge, Rodge! There is nothing you are going to do about that. First, if you read that, then I’m sure you heard about Carrol’s stupid plan to make heat sensitive jerseys, right? God, he’s an a-hole too. All those Seattle players are a-holes. Seriously. Who walks into media day and says nothing but “I’m just here so I don’t get fined.” We got’ta massage that rule so we can fine the next a-hole that does that. Second, there is nothing illegal about moisturizing after a shower. I know for a fact that you like to immerse yourself in baby oil every morning because you think it keeps your skin looking young and fresh.
Goodell: Damn you Bobby. You’re the one who got me into that.
Kraft: I know. LOL again Rodge. So what’tcha gonna do. You like to get paid, don’tcha? You like baby oil, don’tcha? You like young, fresh lookin’ skin, don’tcha?
Goodell: Yeah. True. True.
Kraft: So then STFU and do the job we pay you to do.
Wow. For a couple of gentleman who are not supposed to be in cahoots, sure seems like Kraft’s working them strings whenever he wants to get what he wants. All’s well and good until “Rodge” tries to question “Bobby” about some seemingly secret plan. Maybe Richard Sherman is onto something.
All I know is that I have to find a way into that Kraft after-Superbowl-party!
By John Kirkland
Disclaimer: GarbageTalkTM (this Column), is a news and football satire web publication. All articles contained within this Column are fiction, and contain presumably fake news. As such, any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental. All characters and events referenced, even those based on real people, are entirely fictional. Any and all overheard conversations referenced herein have occurred solely in this author’s warped brain and are meant entirely for entertainment purposes.